Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Tower of Terrible Disney Fans

     Before I get started, yes, I know, here's a new blog post. I'm so sorry to disappoint you like this. But you can't keep the Mickey Mutineers down forever, bitches!

Guardians Tower of Fun and Excitement!
       Okay, now that that little episode is out of my system, I need to tell you, I am indeed feeling down. You see, Disney recently announced ("recently" meaning sometime in 2016. I think it was at San Diego Comic Con.) that they are changing California Adventure's Twilight Zone Tower of Terror into Guardians of the Galaxy - Mission: BREAKOUT! A name that absolutely no one will ever use when referring to the ride! Including me! In fact, from here on out, I'll just be referring to it as "Guardians Tower."

     As a Disney fan, this news excited me for a number of reasons:
1. California's Tower of Terror is by far the lesser of the American Towers in almost every way. Hollywood Studios' Tower is is on full display up on a small hill. It's menacing in every way. You enter the park, turn down Sunset Boulevard, and BOOM! There it is.You can almost see the little squiggly lines of radiance coming off of it. Walking up the creepy path to enter it is a treat itself! But in California, they tucked it away behind the animation building and Bug's Land. You can almost feel the shame walking to it. "Yeah, we have a Tower. It's in the back. I guess. I don't know. I hate my job."
See? Just tucked away in the corner. Also, visit the website in the watermark so I can
feel justified using this picture.

But look at this one! Like it's DARING you to ride it!
B. Even the ride system in California is poo poo compared to the Florida original. My favorite part of the Florida Tower is that insane 5th dimension room where your elevator car leaves the shaft and travels in a horizontal motion. You know, that one thing elevators are not supposed to do. And at the end of that room, all the light gathers together into a blinding beam and splits the darkness to reveal.... more darkness! And then you fall! Or go up! I don't know! I'm not supposed to know! The random ride sequence is amazing! In California, there is no 5th dimension room. Instead, you wave at yourself in a mirror and watch your reflection disappear. Then you go up and down and up and down some more in a completely predictable fashion because there is no random sequence. It's the same every damn time! At every drop, you represent the budget of the ride falling because they cheaped out on it so much.

33. California's Tower was a quick-fix band-aid to help breathe life into a dying park. Hard to imagine now, what with California Adventure finally being a worthy second gate to Walt's original park. But from 2001-2011, the park sucked. It was embarrassing. No wonder no one wanted to go to it. And this shell of Florida's Tower certainly didn't help.

Concept model. It's a thing.
     So with the announcement that this Tower was being changed into Guardians Tower with a future Marvel land being hinted at in the same announcement, I was skipping around my rooftop and shouting praises to the heavens. Until the neighbors called the cops. Now I know I need to keep my celebrating to myself. But freakin' apparently I was the only one excited for this change if I was to believe the internet! Cries of pain shot through my computer monitor! And some things didn't even make sense!

     "Why would Disney get rid of such a classic attraction?!" When the shit did California's Tower become a "classic attraction?" I Did not get that memo!

     "It's my favorite ride!" Yeah, and the ride itself will still be there! But you know what else will be there? Better special effects and a random sequences. FINALLY.
Just kind of an anti-climactic approach, there.  

     "It will be an eyesore outside of the park!" Directly behind the Tower on Harbor Boulevard is a 7-11. Guardians Tower should be the least of your worries outside of the park.

     "It will be an eyesore inside of the park!" Compared to what? The backstage warehouses of Hollywoodland in the Tower's shadow? You'll get used to it.

     "It's such a popular attraction, why can't they leave it alone?" Me and Josh were on a Disneyland trip last year during Christmas time. Let me say that one more time: During Christmas time. The ride was a walk-on. You know what had a longer wait than the Tower of Terror? Storybook Land Canal Boats. That is not justice.

     I think the worst part of it is on Facebook I keep seeing clickbait articles about the changing of the Tower and all the comments just poo-pooing and boo-hooing over the loss of a ride (that actually isn't going anywhere, just getting rethemed and updated.)

     Am I the weird Disney fan here? I guess I must be, because I seem to be in the vocal minority here. But one of my favorite parts of this story is that Disney doesn't give two shits about the wailing and the tears, because they've already started tearing the Tower apart, during Halloween time, while the ride is still operating! This pleases me! It only makes the cries of pain louder as the fans get to watch their precious ride being desecrated right before their eyes! It's as if the dark lords of Disney are feeding off of the tears and the pain and it's only making them work faster and harder! DANCE MY MINIONS, DANCE!

     Okay, that got away from me there. Bottom line is: guys, it's a theme park ride. Settle down. Calm your mammaries. It's going to be okay.

     Now to just wait for the same announcement for Florida's Tower and watch the fandom implode in on itself!

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