Thursday, September 18, 2014

Bigger World Showcase Crimes Than Frozen

I'm sure we've all heard by now that our precious Maelstrom ride in Epcot is going the way of the Horizons to make room for a Frozen attraction. And now that its closing date has been announced, suddenly it's everyone's favorite ride. I'm not here to tell you that you're wrong (you probably are) or that it wasn't that great of a ride (it really wasn't) or that characters don't belong in World Showcase (I don't see why not.) No, I'm not here to tell you any of that. What I am here to do is to point out that there are currently far bigger crimes against humanity lingering in World Showcase. We've allowed these abominations to linger here. Far more insulting than any Frozen attraction. Let's check out a few of these!

1. Italy. I mean, come on. This pavilion blows. I want to know how this pavilion planning session went:
"Okay, we have some Italian buildings! What else do we need?"
"Italy has pasta."
"Great! Get some pasta in there! What else?"
"Overpriced pasta!"
"Fantastic! Write that down! What else can we put in?"
"Alright. We'll call it a day."

Hope you like pasta and disappointment!
2. There's a frikkin' show building in Germany just sitting there with nothing in it. Although popular rumor is that it's being used for storage. I'm pretty sure that was not the purpose they intended when they built it. I will take a Frozen ride over an abandoned building any day of the week. Especially Tuesday!

"I feel so empty inside..."
3. The entire American Adventure pavilion besides the show. The show is wonderful. But everything outside of that theater is just bland, sanitized, boring, dull rubbish. When the Electric Umbrella across the pond is better than your sorry excuse for an American eatery, you should rethink some of your decisions. I don't like it, and if I'm not there for the show, I walk on by, covering my face so it doesn't recognize me.

4. The Outpost. Can we just put this glorified Coke stand out of its misery already? Especially since inside the Walt Disney World Resort, there's already a fantastic representation of Africa over at Animal Kingdom. Go to Harambe. Burn down the Outpost. It would be an improvement along the World Showcase promenade.
Don't make eye contact. Just keep walking.

5. ....Okay at the moment, I can't think of anything for number 5. But that still leaves a solid list of 4 other things that are worse than a quirky attraction that most people ride just because it's there and something to do being replaced by a Frozen attraction. I'm not going to miss the hospital-hallway queue.

Like waiting in line for a prostate exam.

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