Monday, June 30, 2014

Dinosaurs are Awesome

Did you read that title? Dinosaurs are freakin' awesome. Seriously. Who doesn't love dinosaurs? (If you just raised your hand, you can get out! YOU GET THE HELL OUT! *kicks chair over*) Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, dinosaurs! I love them. And do you know who else loves them? Disney. Disney loves dinosaurs. How do I know? In every state-side Disney park, dinosaurs are represented. Every one! Let's take a look!

Historically inaccurate.
Might as well start at the beginning with Disneyland! And what better place to put dinosaurs than on a train! Well, not on the train. You see them from the train. Right after you see the Grand Canyon. Because that's what makes the most sense. To better build upon this placement logic, they're also between Tomorrowland and Main Street U.S.A! I can't even fathom a more sensible location! Because DINOSAURS!

I've always appreciated the sunrise effect of this scene.
There's only one way to make this dinosaur scene even better, and you can find it at Epcot. The brilliant powers-that-be copied the dinosaurs from after the Grand Canyon and between Tomorrowland and Main Street U.S.A and pasted them in a building topped with solar cells, made it forty-five minutes long, and had it hosted by some blond lady voiced by Dory. I like to imagine that was the original pitch for the Universe of Energy.

As long as we're in Epcot, let's hop the monorail to the Magic Kingdom, where dinosaur action is at a minimum, but still pretty awesome. I'm talking about the bones on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad! Sure, I could have used this example in Disneyland as well, but then what would I use for Magic Kingdom? I came prepared!

I don't actually know what Thunder Mountain this picture is from.
Thankfully they both look the same.
Gertie has animation significance. Look it up!
Okay, now let's take the monorail to the Ticket and Transportation Center, wait for an hour and a half for a bus to Hollywood Studios, get on the bus, realize halfway down the road that we got on the wrong bus, shoulder roll out the door, and hack our way through the Florida swamp until we arrive (finally) at Hollywood Studios. Here we have Gertie the dinosaur. You can get ice cream there. I'd tell you more but it was a bitch just to get here and I need to take a nap.

Okay, did they even try here?
Hey! California Adventure is a place! Over at California Adventure, you can't find the towering Dinosaur Jack selling sunglasses! You used to be able to, but now you can't. Don't worry, you're not missing out. It was pretty awful. So what does California Adventure have to show off in its dinosaur repertoire? Rex and Trixie. They're dinosaurs. And yes, they're toys. Come on, California Adventure. Get your dinosaur shit together.

They're dinosaurs! It counts!
You like it and you know it. Stop lying to yourself.
Finally, we end with a place that beats you over the head with dinosaurs. That's right! One of the greatest themed lands in all the Disney parks, I'm talking Dinoland U.S.A. at Animal Kingdom! Dinoland is my effing jam! I love this place! Dinosaurs everywhere! Some to ride on. Some to walk under. Some try to eat you. There's even an entire ride just called Dinosaur! This place is like dinosaur Mecca! Let's just take a few moments to bask in its glory... mmmm......
"Rub his belly, Earl!!!"

To wrap things up, let's give an honorable mention to Lucky the Dinosaur. Where have you gone, Lucky? We miss you. Come back to us.

RIP Lucky.

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