Thursday, March 27, 2014

Attraction Clashin': Autopia vs. Tomorrowland Speedway *THE LOST EPISODE!*

Let's start things off with a disclaimer. Last year (that's right, LAST freakin' YEAR) I started writing a post on my self-proclaimed "popular" series, Attraction Clashin',  where I throw a Disneyland ride into the octagon of death with it's Disney World counterpart. Here's what happened: I took requests from Twitter. Good ol' Safari Mike said "do Autopia and Tomorrowland Speedway!" And I thought "Hell yeah! This will be awesome!" Come to find out, I don't give two flying damns about either of these attractions! I started typing it out and my attention dwindled into a smoldering pile of ash. (Not Safari Mike's fault. I blame the auto industry and the freeway systems and my lack of caring about either.)

So after leaving the draft in the shared Mickey Mutineers draft board for months, Josh got a hold of it and figured he'd have some fun and sabotaged it, I guess in an effort to finish my work. Well truth be told, it made me laugh, it made me still not care about these two exhaustive (Get it? Because internal combustion engines.) attractions, so I figured screw it! I'll publish it as is! And that's exactly what you're going to get: the unfinished, completely sabotaged version of ATTRACTION CLASHIN'!



At least it looks nice!

Welcome back to the ever popular, whiz-bang in your face action, full of power and adrenaline, turbo-charged, nothing like cottage cheese series of ATTRACTION CLASHIN'! The one and only series where a Disneyland attraction goes head-to-head against it's Walt Disney World counterpart in a battle to the death! Or, at least a battle to the pain. (I'm afraid I'm not quite familiar with that phrase...)

This ride is goofy...
In this installation, I bring you the two fuming exhaust factories of Tomorrowland: Disneyland's Autopia and Magic Kingdom's Tomorrowland Speedway! As usual, an insanely brief history lesson!

A version of Disneyland's Autopia opened on July 17, 1955. That's right, folks! Opening day! It was completely full of the future of Los Angeles traffic: long lines and barely getting anywhere.  It was popular though!  Popular enough to have three of the bastards.  Three you say?  YES! Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, and the Midget Autopia. Yes, the Midget Autopia is just what it sounds like:  A car ride for midgets.  Most guests avoided this one, quite possibly because it smelled of cabbage.  Hell, they even had a boat version, the misleadingly named Motorboat Cruise.  This is how popular this shit became.  This is also what happens when Josh hijacks Jake's blog posts.  That will teach him to let shit sit for over a damned month.  Anyways, where the fun was I?  Oh yeah, stuck in LA traffic.  Shit this sucks.  Can you drink and drive the Autopia cars?  I think I have ADD.  Anyways, according to Wikipedia the car designs were named much like monorail and Lincolns of the day.  Marks.  Currently we are on the Mark VIII "Chevron" cars and that's okay.  Although, I like the Mark VII best.  The current track is kind of neat and well landscaped with a funny mouse crossing.

Yay, concrete! It's my favorite color!
At WDW we are graced with an almost themed Tomorrowland Speedway.  Honestly, as much as I like the Autopia, this shit sucks.  I think that it needs to be blown up and turned into Craterland.  Because that would be better than the garbage that TDO is selling me there.  Really, the track is stale, the cars are retro un-cool, and the queue is about as much fun as the clap.  Sadly though, it will never leave or change.  Thanks TDO.
Looks like something out of Nara Dreamland...







So uhhhh..... Autopia wins!
Autopia wins because of Frank. Because why wouldn't it?