Sunday, February 16, 2014

A Use For Late Night Disney Junior Channel

I hate the Disney Channel. So much filth and rubbish oozing out of its stinky, mold-ridden pores. Dog with a Blog? Ugh. Something about someone named Charlie. No thanks. Obviously I'm not the demographic, but unless it's playing a kick ass movie like Toy Story 3 and I'm too lazy to pop my own copy of it into the Blu-Ray player, I avoid the Disney Channel at all costs.

But I have a three year old. You know what can't be avoided with a three year old? The Disney Junior channel. However, still not being in the demographic, Disney Junior kicks the snot out of Disney Channel. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse? Neverland Pirates? Yeah I can get on board with this. Or I'm just suffering a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome, because my kid watches the shit out of this channel, and absolutely loves most of the programming.

But then something dark happens. Late into the night and into the wee morning hours, the lineup changes to tripe that neither kid nor adult gives two flying flocks for. Just... just look at this!
I will strangle the Imagination Movers
What the hell is a Tinga Tale? Does anyone even care about Babar? And I'm allergic to bees, so the Hive can go straight to hell. Why does late night Disney Junior exist? I have one possible reason: They know that they're pushing garbage and it's a way for kids to lose interest in their TV-watching activities so they can go to bed. But what if you find yourself in a predicament like I recently found myself in? STAYING UP WITH A SICK KID. I went to turn on this miracle channel to distract the little tyke from the stomach juices coming out of his mouth and nose, but neither of us had any interest in the warm, comforting glow coming off of the screen. Late night Disney Junior is worthless. And then, I had the idea to end all ideas...
Woo-oo!
Disney is sitting on a treasure trove of properties they could put on this channel late at night. I'm talking about the shows that the parents of the current generation grew up with: Ducktales. Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers. Darkwing Duck. Talespin. Gummi Bears. Under the Umbrella Tree!... No wait, no one remembers that one but me... But still! If we adults have to stay up with a sick kid, at least one of us could be entertained! And hey, kids are still familiar with these characters, maybe it could take their minds off the virus careening through their systems. WHY ARE WE NOT FUNDING THIS? And I can guarantee that even adults without kids would tune in. It would be like Disney's version of Adult Swim, but with good shows. (Zing!) 
She has her own roller coaster!
You can't tell me you wouldn't watch this.
In closing, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if I ever find myself having
to watch one more second of Timmy Time while Disney withholds crime-fighting chipmunks and billionaire ducks, I will shove a chair leg through my TV. Thank you.


Really, does anyone else besides me remember this??