Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The TripAdvisor Game of Shame: Animal Kingdom Edition!


Back by unpopular demand, another edition of the TripAdvisor Game of Shame! Oh, you're not familiar with this game? Feel free to go back to the first one to see how it works. Or if you're like me and are too lazy to go back and read that, I'll quickly summarize it here: I find the "Terrible" reviews of a Disney park on the TripAdvisor website, post them here, grammar mistakes and all, and then make fun of them. Now, I know what you're thinking: Jake, that's not a game at all! Yes it is. Because there are winners: me and you. Because we get to laugh at this. Alright, all caught up? This time around, we're shaming the people who just hated Animal Kingdom. Because Animal Kingdom is great, and anyone hating it needs to feel ashamed. Let's go!

"Very little to do in the park and very hard to navigate. The animal walks looked like they would be good however they again were very short with the animals hiding from the sun. Only a few rides worth going on with massive queues, even if you had a fast pass. Overgrown bushes and trees with filthy toilets, would not consider going back."

Hard to navigate? Hard to navigate?! Apparently simple circles are just too much for this person to handle, because just like every other Disney park, Animal Kingdom still follows the hub-and-spoke layout. Also, after all the times I've been to Animal Kingdom, I have never ever seen any trees with filthy toilets. I can only assume this dude was pissing in the trees and bushes. Moving on.

"this place is not worth your money.....musics are too loud.....try to order food at one fast food place....music so loud could had to scream our order....looks run down....area for children..old...games too costly.....more walking than anything"

Damn these musics! Just rogue musics running rampant through the parks! But seriously, I can't even think of a single place within Animal Kingdom with high decibel music playing. I particularly like the "Looks run down" comment. Why can't these ancient Asian ruins look brand new?! I'm pretty sure "run down" is part of the theme the park is going for. Oh well. Let's see what's next!

"Mt. Everest roller coaster and the Safari jeep ride were our favorites.The parade was really cute with all the caracters."

I...wait...what? Why did you only give it a "one circle" rating, then? This is seriously the whole review, and I can only assume they had the best worst time ever while enjoying the hell out of their misery! Mixed messages up the butt with this one!

"Not enough animals to be considered a zoo and and only good for shopping if you want the usual Disney outfits.
What is it trying to be"

Okay, this one I can almost understand. A lot of people think this is a zoo, and Disney has even tried to shed that image. What is it trying to be? It's a Disney theme park with animals. It's in the name. It's pretty simple. The part that is new to me is that this person may have also confused the park with a retail center of some sort. Who goes to Animal Kingdom to shop?

"...The zoo itself is a poor colleciton of a few unhappy animals. A traveler would be better to save his 14.00 parking fee and 89.00 per person entrance fee and stay at a first class resort with better service and amenities and then if inclined visit a world class neighboring zoo such as San Diego's. Disney has no business keeping animals and should close this in humane and poorly run amusement."

It's not a zoo! Dammit, people! And how did this person get close enough to the animals to ask them their thoughts and how they're feeling? Is it because the animals are laying down a lot? Is that why people think they're unhappy? Newsflash: animals lay down a lot. And last time I was at the San Diego Zoo, I saw elephants in a hard concrete pen and a panda poo all over itself. World class!

"Taking my sister to this park on a visit from our Home Country I was disappointed with the length of queues due to the fastpass queues. We had to wait nearly 50 minutes for the River Rapids ride whilst for every 6 people from our queue went in all of the fastpass lane went in next, sometimes up to 30 people. 

I was very annoyed at this, yes I could have got a fastpass myself but doesn't that just make it so I would be one of the 20 to every 6 waiting over 30 minutes?"

Well... well yeah. That's the Fastpass system! There's no moral high road here! It's available to everyone! I don't.... I just... uggghhh.

"Very disappointed as the poor animals were obviously too hot and just lay on the floor panting. I lasted 1 hour before I left as it was too upsetting. It appeared as though animal welfare was secondary to financial gain. If you love animals like me then stau well clear. I complained but they were not interested."

What part of the world are these animals being ripped out of their air conditioned homes? Please, point it out on a map for me! Almost every animal at the park comes from a climate that is equally as hot or even hotter than the central Florida weather they're currently living in. I also like to imagine that with that last line, the guy was complaining to the animals but the animals weren't interested. Because giraffes don't understand financial gain. Okay, let's do one more...

"Have to say this is the worst theme park we have ever visited. Where are the animals in "Animal Kingdom" we spent an entire afternoon in the park and only saw a monkey sitting in a tree...."

I'm just going to stop you right there. Did you even try?? Only a monkey sitting in a tree? Did you run through the Oasis with your eyes closed? Did you circle around through Africa and Asia with your elbows flailing like a whirling dervish, refusing to take a glance around at all the possibilities of animal sightings in your immediate vicinity at all times? Did no one tell you about the safari ride?! Why did you even come to this park?! GET OUT! OUT WITH YOU! We don't want your kind here! Good day, sir!

And that's the TripAdvisor Game of Shame! Stay tunes for future..episodes? Listings? Whatever you want to call them...