Sunday, May 12, 2013

AvatardLand Revisited

So I've been thinking about the latest AvatardLand opening-year announcement: I still hate it. Here is my synopsis of the movie: watch Fern Gully. Is that too many colons in two sentences? Oh well, I think it is proper usage. Any how, here we go. Man with missing legs takes brother's spot on mission to alien planet to impersonate alien race. Military asks him to spy on scientists, man (Jacko Smacko) falls in love with alien hussy and uses his pony tail to make sweet sweet blue alien love. Then, violent battle ensues and Bob's your uncle.

Think they'll have that on the tour?
My question is this... How does this turn into a Disney "land"? What does this have to do with Animal Kingdom? I think it is crap!  How does this make any sense? What will the main attraction to this area be? The last question I can presume: Soarin' with a new video. How the hell else are they gonna pull off the gorgeous landscape? And it is gorgeous. That was the selling point of the movie. It was all beautiful fluff, not unlike stuffing cotton candy into your orbital sockets. It's just that the story itself is unimaginative crap. I see it as the old saying, "If you polish a turd, it is still a turd."  That is one big pile of shit.
"Leaked" Avatar attraction plans. Most likely fake.
Hoping like hell it's fake.

Walt Disney World has a chance to make Animal Kingdom one of the best parks ever. How? Well, add continents. So far that is what it is about. Every continent has its beauty.  America with its plains and high peaks, Australia with its reefs and big damned rock, Europe with its alps and moors. South America with its dessert lines that attract aliens... It's like they made Africa and Asia and said "Well, I guess that's all this dumb planet has to offer."

Also, cryptids! They have touched on one. Why not throw in a couple more? Bigfoot? Meh. Nessie? Better. Big ass Australian monitors that are the size of buses? Holy shit! Ain't that a dinosaur? Yup. Every continent has shit that ain't there (or is it? [dun dun DUHNNNN!]). So why are they relying on crap when there is so much inspiration out there? Laziness. Period. And also a panicked knee-jerk reaction to Harry Plopper Land just down the road.

Want more of our Avatar-hating goodness? Tune into tomorrow's podcast!